Sonic Unparodied
by makoncrayley
Summary: You want a carefully ploted Sonic Unleashed parody with all the characters used in slightly ammusing situations? Well to bad. It's the Sonic Unleashed parody the world's been wating for, made by one of the funniest fic writers on the site.
1. 2010, a Sonic Unleashed parody

**First of all, I am amazed a true Sonic Unleashed parody hasn't been made yet. Anyway, before you all start saying that this is copying jackattack555's Sonic Adventure parody fic, may I remind you that he does not own the whole "player commentary" thing. If anyone would have any complaints about it "copying" anything, it should be the damn guy himself.**

**I do not own Sega, Sonic, Warehogs, or any of that stuff.**

* * *

We start with a view of the world. The blueness of the ocean and the greeness of the earth. We move away just as Superman starts turning back time, as we see a bunch of space crafts.

The player starts to hum the Imperial March.

We go to a particular craft. A red one that is bigger than the others. The camera zooms inside and we see everyone's favorite eggheaded bad guy, Eggman.

"He. He he. Haha. HAHAHA!" He starts laughing. "God I love Comedy Central. Let's see how my plans to rule the world are going."

He looks up as a figure is now on the craft. The camera zooms in to show the gloryhog himself, Sonic, standing there without a space suit, with a fire behind him.

"HOW?" Eggman yells. "Oh, wait... nearly forgot this was Sega."

The blue hedgehog runs at several robots. "Excuse me, coming through, pardon, sorry, in a hurry." He said as he sped past the robots, who then proceeded to explode.

The player sighs. "Fat guy comes out in a robot in 3... 2... 1... now."

And sure enough, Eggman comes out in a robot.

"Fat guy tries to catch the hedgehog but fails in 3... 2..." The player says.

"I get it, I'm predictable" Eggman says.

"Well maybe you should get a life." The player argues.

"You're the one having a conversation with a video game." Eggman says.

"... Damn it."

Eggman tries to grab Sonic, but the speedy little hedgehog escapes.

"Now for my secret weapon." Eggman proclaims. "An extending arm."

"That's original." The player sarcasticaly says.

Eggman just grumbles and uses the arm. It chases after Sonic.

"Oh no, a robotic arm. However will I avoid it..." Sonic said, but his sarcasm made him get caught. "I have to be less sarcastic when stuff like this happens."

The arm retracts back to the robot.

"HAHAHA! I KNEW ALL THOSE HOURS PLAYING THE CLAW MACHINE WOULD PAY OFF!" Eggman yells.

However, Sonic starts to glow as 7 or 8 emeralds surround him. They disappear, a flash of light occurs, and our favorite DragonBall Z ripoff is there.

"Hello Goku." The player says.

Super Sonic breaks out of the hand and crashes through the robot.

"Oh... uh... BYE!" Eggman yells as he ejects the head from the robot just before it explodes and flys away.

"Oh no you don't." Sonic says as he flys after him. Yakkety Sax starts playing.

Eggman flys up hallways, shutting robotic doors to try and stop the now golden hedgehog, but it fails.

* * *

Meanwhile, on a cooking show.

"So we add the rosemary, now what Martha?" A male host asks.

"Well that's nice. Now we add the milk... that's nice." Martha says.

"Ok, milk. The milk is added, so now we..." The male host says.

"That's nice, now we sacrifice a lamb to Satan and use it's blood as icing and put it in the shape of a pentagram... that's nice." Martha says.

"We don't have any goats Martha."

"That's nice, well I guess you will have to do." Martha then pulls out a satanic ritual knife.

"For the love of god somebody help."

At that moment, Eggman flys through, and is then followed by Sonic. The male host runs out the hole in the door.

Martha stares on. "... That's nice. I guess we'll have to use the camera man."

"Wait, what?" The camera man asks as Martha moves closer with the knife. "Wait, no, no, no. AHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

They leave the first craft just as it explodes, with sound and everything. They then fly over to an oddly shaped craft.

"I can make so many jokes right now... But I won't. Not in good taste." The player says.

A few minutes later, Eggman finally crashes and flys halfway across the room. Sonic enters and approaches him.

"NO! PLEASE, HAVE MERCY! THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY THINKS I STILL HAVE TO SEE, SO MANY MCDONALDS LEFT TO EAT AT! PLEASE, I BEG YOU! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BECOME SANTA CLAUSE!" Eggman pleas.

"Wow, you repenting? That's new." Sonic states. "But it's to late Eggman. I'm gonna do to you what I should have done a long time ago."

"GOTCHYA!" Eggman yells before pushing a button.

Four... I really don't know how to explain it. Floor claw? I don't know. Anyway, it goes up and shoots Sonic with electricity, stopping him in his tracks and sending the chaos emeralds to the floor.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY DOCTOR TOLD ME NOT TO GET ELECTROCUTED WITH ANYTHING THAT COULD TURN ME INTO A HAIRY MONSTER FOR A CRAPPY GAME!" Sonic yells.

"Woah, I actually did something right. Now I can fulfill my master plan." Eggman proclaims. He then runs to a control panel.

"And... what would that be Egghead? Taking over McDonalds?" Sonic sarcastically asks in pain.

"I only tried that 9 times. And no, I am going to summon... the plot device."

"Jesus Christ, no."

"HAHAHA! NOW WATCH AS I FIRE A BEAM AT THE PLANET AND MAKE THIS CRAFT LOOK EVEN MORE WEIRD THAN IT ALREADY IS!"

Eggman presses a button, sending said beam at the planet, casting a purple throughout the planet. Sonic, meanwhile, is getting full shock therapy while the chaos emeralds are used as power for the electricity. The planet starts to break apart. Suddenly, Sonic starts growing more hair, gets longer teeth and claws and his fur turns darker.

"By god... Sonic's finally hit puberty." The player states.

The electricity stops and Sonic, who now looks like a horrible Teen Wolf look alike, falls to the ground. The chaos emeralds also fall down, but they have lost their colour.

"... Woah. I actually succeeded... I RULE!" Eggman yells.

"You've really done it now Eggman." Sonic growls.

"You look different. That look suits you. You should keep it."

"Ok... and how about I give you a new "mauled by a wearhog" look?"

"Um... pass."

"To bad."

"Well Sonic, I think it's time for you to go." Eggman then presses another button and a glass shield covers him. Then he presses a third button and the hatch opens. Sonic trys to hang on, grabbing the ground, a metal pole, a mime, and Carrot Top. He still flys out, but he at least takes Carrot Top with him.

"I actually won... HEY, GREG! YOU OWE ME A THOUSAND BUCKS!" Eggman yells.

* * *

We then see the title, and we then go to Sonic, who is still falling. He falls for a good 30 seconds, then... he stops for some reason, then starts falling again.

"Well... he's a goner." The player states.

Sonic finally hits the ground. After a few seconds, he gets up.

"Oh, right... Sega." The player says.

"Woah, that was a huge fall." Sonic states

"And yet you haven't got a single scratch or bruise." The player retaliates.

"It's a game moron."

"Doesn't mean you can't have some physics in it."

"You're wasting your time."

"How come?"

"Well for starters, you're arguing with a video game."

The player has a blank stare. "Damn it. Twice in one chapter? I really do need a life."

Sonic turns around and sees an unconscious purple thing.

"OH CRAP! I KILLED SOMEONE!" Sonic yells. "Ok, don't panic Sonic, stay calm and act natu... I'M SO SCREWED!"

The purple thing starts to move.

"AH! ZOMBIE!" Sonic yells.

"I don't want any chocolate." The purple thing says.

"Great, only a few seconds and I'm already annoyed by that guy." The player says.

The purple thing flys up.

"Hey, are you ok?" Sonic asks.

"I'm ok..." The thing asks, turning around and looking at Sonic. "AHHHH!" The thing then flys behind a rock.

"What the?" Sonic asks himself.

"I TOLD ONE OF YOUR PEOPLE MONTHS AGO, I WILL NOT COSPLAY WITH YOU FREAKS!" The thing yells.

"Um... what?"

"Never mind... um... hi Mr Monster man."

"Mr Monster man? Where? That guy owes me fifty bucks."

"No, I mean you."

"What? Oh, right... the fur and teeth."

"And claws."

"Right..."

"WOULD SOMETHING TO ADVANCE THE STORY HAPPEN ALREADY?" The player yells.

"So who are you?" Sonic asks.

"Um... I don't know." The thing says.

"Great... Next pointless character." The player says.

"You don't remember your name?" Sonic asks.

"No. All I remember is running away from the Japanese mafia and some Chinese guys who want to cook me for some sort of spicy purple flying thing who like chocolate dish, then everything went blank." The thing says. "Who are you?"

Sonic then goes into the stupidest pose ever. "I'm Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Ok Sonic... how did you become that?" The thing asks.

"I don't really know. But I need to find a way out of it."

The sun rises, and sonic suddenly glows.

"Woah, the LSD is kicking in." The player states. "Wait... I don't take drugs... But I probably will after playing this."

After a minute, sonic is back to normal.

The thing looks at Sonic. "Woah. Is that what you really look like?"

"Yes, yes it is." Sonic says.

"Wow... you're actually a chick?" The thing asks.

"What? No, I'm a guy."

"Really, woah. You had me fooled for a minute."

"And what does that mean?"

"Forget it. *snicker*"

"Well the chaos emeralds are useless, so let's try and do stuff."

"I'll come with."

The player sighs. "I have a really bad feeling about this."

"Alright." Sonic says. "And hey, maybe we'll get your memory back."

"Yeah." The thing says. "So which way do we go?"

"... I don't know. I just usually follow some rings and I end up where I'm meant to be." Sonic sates.

"Ok then. Let's go." The thing says.

The player looks relieved. "Finally, I get to play something."

As soon as the level starts, Sonic starts to run around all over the place. The player's relief vanishes.

"... Screw this, it's refund time." The player then gets up, takes the game out of the console, and leaves.

* * *

**So yeah, that's the first chapter. If people don't get offended by the "Japanese mafia and Chinese" line, then I'm doing my job right. So yeah, more humor to come.**


	2. The proof that chocolate is evil

**It's time to continue the game... parody.**

****

One note first. I do appologise for the long absence. I have been a bit burnt-out recently, so I haven't really been focused. I decided to get back to this after I accidentally clicked onto the thing that ususally brings me to the site. Anyway, let's get back to this.

**

* * *

**

The player walks in and sits down. "Damn EB and their incredibly horrible trade prices. Now I have to suffer through this... horrid game."

The player puts the game back in and we continue with the first level. Once again, Sonic goes all over the place.

"What were Sega thinking when they decided to have just the analog stick control Sonic? Was the D-pad not good enough?" The player asks.

Sonic runs into some multicoloured orbs with a questionmark in the middle.

"What the hell is this?" Sonic asks.

"HEY SONIC!" The annoying purple thing yells from behing, causing Sonic to fall to the ground.

"WHAT THE HELL? I... I LANDED ON GUM! Ew. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A LEVEL!" Sonic yells.

"I'm here to teach you the basics." The thing says.

"Uh, I've been doing this for nearly 20 years, I think I know the basics." Sonic says.

"Not in this game you don't."

"Sigh, fine... but make it quick."

"Ok... you get power from rings... C ya." The thing then flys away.

"... I am so killing that guy when I see him again." Sonic says.

Several minutes, one level, and a lot of annoying bits of "help"... but no murder of a flying annoyance later, we are now in a small oceanside town. Everything here is white.

"Aw, it's the light house, and the church... oh look, it's the KKK's headquaters." The player states.

Sonic and the missing pokemon enter, with Sonic juggling the chaos emeralds.

"What do you think that was about?" Sonic asks.

"You mean the hair and the arms and..." The annoyance asks back.

"No, I mean the last episode of Lost, what the hell was that about? It confused the hell out of me." Sonic replies.

"I had to check the TV guide seven times to make sure I was still watching Lost, and not The Twilight Zone... the creators must have been higher than the guys who made Silver." The annoyance states.

"HEY!" Silver yells from the background.

"Right... so this is what you usually look like?" The annoyance asks.

"Yep, this is the real me." Sonic says. "Pretty cool, huh?"

Sonic looks up to see the annoyance missing.

"Not even annoyances want to hear you talk about yourself." The player says.

Sonic just ignores the player and looks for the annoyance, who is at an ice-cream cart.

"Ooooooh!" The annoyance goes.

The player starts to get a bit disturbed.

"Looks good, don't it?" The maker of the ice-cream asks. "That there Chocolate Chipped Cream Sunday Supreme is the pride of the city... besides the south part of the city for obvious reasons."

"Zing." The player says.

"The whole world can come crumbing down but they would still line up for a taste." He says.

"Wasn't that Paris Hilton's slogan when she was actually hot?" The player asks.

The annoyance continues to admire the treat, while Sonic gets impatient.

"HEY!" Sonic yells. "WHAT ABOUT YOUR MEMORIES?"

"Only two more years until we can get a possibly decent game... and even that would suck." The player says.

"Oh... Chocolate... Chip... Sunday... SUPREEEEEEME!" The annoyance yells.

The player gets a bit more disturbed. "This isn't good."

"Haha, you said it. Enjoy it kiddo. Satisfaction guaranteed." The owner says.

"Thank god I only like Stratusfaction." The player says.

"If you don't love it, you get your money back." The owner says.

"Oh, I LOOOOOOOVE IT!" The annoyance drools.

The player gets majorly disturbed. "Next part, NEXT PART!"

And sure enough, we cut to Sonic and the annoyance walking down, eating the ice-creams.

"Mm, hmm." The annoyance goes. "This chip-whatever is great. What is this made out of?"

"Logical answer, cow fat and lard. Possible answer... It better not be what I'm thinking." Sonic says.

"Who cares what it's made of? It's still delicious." The annoyance says.

"If you say so." Sonic replies. "How about giving me a hand in helping me find someone who knows you, Chip?"

"Chip?" The annoyance asks.

"Yeah. I gotta call you something... plus the writer can't keep calling you 'The annoyance' forever." Sonic replies.

"Good point." Chip says.

"So how about we look around for someone who knows you?"

"Okay."

They then start walking around the town. They walk up to a near by old lady.

"Excuse me." Sonic asks.

"Why hello there mister mole." The woman says.

"Um... I'm a hedgehog." Sonic states.

"Oh... I suppose you are."

"Right... do you know this thing?" Sonic points to Chip.

The woman takes a close look at Chip. She looks all around him, then licks him.

"Why do old people always do that to me?" Chip asks.

The woman walks back. "I don't believe so. I never tasted him before. And I've tasted everyone here."

"Ew." Sonic and Chip simotaniously say.

Sonic and Chip walk away very quickly and approach an old couple.

"Retirement City: Where old people can sit by the beach, eat icecream, and be plagued by a supernatural evil that can only be beaten by a blue talking hedgehog walking on two legs." The player says.

"Hey, do you know that guy?" Sonic asks, once again pointing to Chip.

"Mmph mmph mmph." The woman says.

"What?" Sonic asks.

"Sorry, she lost here teeth in the earthquake... along with my golfclubs." The old man said.

"Well have you seen this guy then?"

"Nope, never."

"Ok... good luck with the teeth."

"The teeth? Who cares about her teeth? Those golfclubs cost me a thousand bucks."

"Okay..."

Sonic and Chip walk away again.

"So good so far." Chips says.

"Shut up." Sonic replies.

They continue talking to people, but no success. But at one point, a boy gives them a place to go.

"Go to the light house." The boy says.

"Why?" Sonic asks.

"Listen, Sega only payed me to tell you to go there, don't make me call a hit on you, my dad's a godfather." The boy replies.

"Going, going." Sonic walks away very fast.

Sonic and Chip walk towards the lighthouse. We go to the load screen.

"Crap, a load screen... well I'm going to the beach." The player says. He gets up and walks outside.

_~9 hours later~_

The player walks back inside and sits down.

"What a great day... what was I doing earlier?" He asks. He looks at the screen, with the game still loading. "Oh."

After another half hour, the game finally continues. Sonic and Chip are at the lighthouse now.

"This is it? Just a few rings, some glowing thing, and a bunch of blocked off areas?" Sonic asks.

"I guess the other areas are closed for renevations." Chip answers.

"Wait... renevations... in one of my games?" Sonic asks. "It's finally happened. Eggman destroyed the world and now we're in heaven... Wait... it's probably just limbo since you're here."

"HEY!" Chip yells.

"Oh shut up. You know it's true."

"Can you just do something already?"

"Fine."

Sonic grabs the rings in the area, then walks up to the glowing area.

"So what does this do?" Sonic asks.

"I think it starts the level." Chip answers.

"Well we're wasting time with this discussion, so let's just do it already."

Sonic walks into the light and the level begins. One frustrating second level later, the player turns the game off and goes to do something productive with his life.

* * *

**Crappy second half, huh? Well I left the end of it lingering for abour 3 months, so it can't really be helped. Don't worry, next chapter will be funnier, I promise you guys that much. And if you guys have any suggestions to help me improve the fic, please feel free to post them.**


End file.
